Attention, Ikea shoppers!

MOVE!
A phenomenon of the retail world is the human wall. Nowhere can this phenomenon be more observed and more frustrating than at Ikea. And apparently you don't even need to visit on a weekend because it seems that Ikea is packed with shoppers all days of the week by all sorts of people. And, evidently, they like to bring all their family members with them when they shop.
I am somewhat of an expert on this now as I visited the Portland Ikea not once, not twice, but THREE times last week. I am not a good shopper. I rarely get the enjoyment from shopping that normal people might derive because I deliberate over everything. Whether it costs six dollars or three-hundred dollars, I argue about every little detail before I can confidently make a purchase. What exacerbates this problem is when I am at a store like Ikea where I am trying to match items like, say, a nightstand and a table lamp which are in different sides of the showroom. Every time I try to walk from one section to another, my stride is brought to a screeching halt by--
A. a family of six spending the day together at the store (and yes, they clearly intend to be there for the day),
B. a trio of very large companions strolling in such a way as to block anyone from going around or through their human wall, or
C. the mom with the super-stroller that is at least eight feet wide and has every possible contraption hanging off all sides. This mom is generally the slowest of the human walls as she is slowly and carefully viewing every piece of furniture all around her throughout the showroom. This mom is rarely able to take more than one step per ten seconds, and her every step seems to be taken directly in front of me in whatever direction I am walking.
Despite these setbacks, I managed to procure the furnishings needed. We have a ludicrous collection of DVDs and CDs, and we have never owned a proper storage solution for them...until now. We are the proud new owners of a large DVD/book shelf unit and two matching CD towers, upon which we have neatly organized and alphabetized our DVD and CD collection.
Furthermore, I treated myself to a little nightstand and table lamp for the bedroom. At first, I was looking at all kinds of cheap floor lamps and little generic bedside tables. Ultimately though, what made me happy was a cute little white nightstand with a drawer and a little table lamp with a pull chain. I didn't know at first why I was so attracted to such simple items; but then it occurred to me, they remind me of my childhood. The simplicity of the one little drawer at my bedside and the chain on the lamp remind me of all that old furniture that surrounded me growing up. It's so quaint and comforting, and it makes my bedroom feel like home.
And, I have to say, as much as I have cursed assembly-required furniture, Ikea gets it right. There's a reason so many people shop there. Because when you get a piece home and successfully put it together, there is a feeling of satisfaction as if you created and built the whole thing yourself, and that feeling makes you cherish the item just a little more than if someone else put it together for you. Ikea instills a false sense of superiority in us shoppers, as if we are pioneers settling in our new land and building our homes. Cutting down trees, chopping wood, hammering nails.
"AH HA!" as I tighten that last cam lock on the bedside table and begin to channel Charlton Heston. "I am a great builder of furniture and have succeeded in making a home for myself and my partner. This is not just a nightstand, and these are not just bookshelves. They represent my great abilities as a builder and provider for my family. I am a strong and able-bodied man, and I will continue to shop at Ikea. I will brave the throngs of people who seem to be unemployed and yet have plenty of money to buy massive amounts of furniture each and every day. I will patiently, but stalwartly, navigate my way through the walls of human flesh in order to reach the self-serve furniture aisles and obtain the materials needed to create my home. My castle. My Ikea palace. Hail to Ikea!"